This is a test of the old blog system.

I was bad. I ate an entire tub of sorbet. Take away a man’s comfort food (and 2/3rds of his normal diet) and you get a fatty fatterson that blows his blood sugar into the 300′s.

Holy wow. Oh, for those that don’t know… if it says “oil” they mean SOYBEAN OIL. Is soy\soybean on my list of no-no foods? Why yes it is.

Three days left. Shelagh, I have no idea how you survived this diet AND no thyroid meds at the same time.

It is stunningly beautiful out right now. So of course I have a very bad cold. My wife annoyed me last night by being overly concerned. She accidentally reminded me that I am never going to not be sick. I was having a hard time sleeping last night because the cold is moving to my lungs. I was coughing pretty constantly. She rolls over and asks if I think I might call the doctor in the morning because – get this – “you might have pneumonia.” What.The.Fuck.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I know she has nothing but honest concern…

And I don’t want to know if you are lonely
Don’t want to know if you are less than lonely
Don’t want to know if you are lonely
Don’t want to know, don’t want to know

Up at 4AM battling demons again. Things are going well, for the most part. Same issue as the last time. It is going to take awhile.

I am happy at the fact that I can trust my wife completely, but aggravated that she just simply does not know how to lie or hide things from me. I have a superpower. I see everything. I walk into a room, and I can see every detail, whether I like it or not. What a poisonous and horrible thing this can be.

So, an update since starting the insulin. No more headaches! I am still at war with my stomach, but i know the end is in sight. I am taking more insulin than my doctor or I expected, but it is definitely working. I give it 10 more units in the morning and I’ll be at my goal fasting sugar. I am hopeful, but I doubt that will be the case. Still, my blood pressure is normalizing, my blood sugar is coming down, the headaches and stomach problems caused by the drugs I was taking are no longer there… My eyes were noticeably better – only small blood leaks – than the last time I went.

I am battling potassium loss, but with the supplements I am not getting so many foot cramps. WHEN THE FUCK DID I GET OLD.

But a part of me will never be free
And the part that’s free will never be me

I feel an odd mix of elation and despair. My wife is doing exactly what I want and expect of her, yet I feel so upset at what that means for my own ego and my own self esteem. While I needed to put those thoughts down here, I can’t actually talk to anyone, including her or you, about my feelings.

That’s really all I have to say today. We needed the rain, but I wish it didn’t have to come with days of grey skies.

Fuck you Firefox. Grey is most definitely a word and a colour.

I was never alone at the Sahara.
How they gathered to hear me speak.
They said my eyes held fire.
When the golden pyre burned to the ground,
the world unwound, left me here afraid.

Today, I saw in a chat that someone would like to murder the president and set someone else in charge that would “get things done.” This was okay to most people.

Of course, this same woman has called her own 16 year old daughter a “spoiled little bitch” to anyone that is listening on the internet.

No one likes their kids all the time, but we don’t speak with such hatred and disrespect, even to ourselves if we are sane.

Anyway. Weird week. Monitor died, so i got a new one. It ended up being my birthday gift from my wife. It is very large, and I am getting used to having to turn my head once in awhile now. My birthday was not good or bad. Most of the day I was battling a very bad headache. It was migraine strength, but not a migraine. Even through a massive amount of painkillers I could feel it as a pressure, and it didn’t finally fade completely until after dinner.

My main thing for my birthdays is that I want tons of ME time. I’m a loner by nature. My wife stayed home and looked after the kids, which was nice. I spent the day just puttering around doing my thing. Brenda wanted to take me somewhere special, and she suggested some of my favorite restaurants, but I couldn’t get behind any of them. Cam suggested Chipotle, and for some reason that really appealed to me. I avoid the burritos because of how many calories they have (1700!), but it was my birthday – I pigged out.

I don’t really have much to say lately. Not sure why. Mostly I’m just wrapped up in my thoughts about my health and my normal fears of inadequacy – the same as anyone my age. One of the guys in our circle of friends is 40, and has an enlarged prostate. I can’t stop thinking about that. He’s only three years older than me. When did we start falling apart? How did I miss the start of it?

So long
Long between mirages
I knew you’d find me drinking

The drugs I am on for my diabetes have re-opened my brain to elaborate dreams like I had as a kid. Most of the time, they are long, convoluted stories with plots, settings and flow. It is very much like back when I was still able to write.

Today I was sick. I had a raging headache and eventually I threw up. I waited until the boys came home and finished their homework, then I went to bed.

I feel wonderful now, thanks for asking.

This powernap that I had, launched another one of my more elaborate dreams. I dreamt that my wife was leaving me, and had moved back home to her parents. The thing is, this wasn’t *my* Brenda. It was a mix of three women that have been very close to me over the last decade or two. My ex-fiance Telly, Jes, and one aspect of Brenda.

Telly left me because I could not be passionate. I realize that this is because I was terrified that she would leave me if I became passionate about a topic. That relationship was unhealthy, and ended horribly.

Jes fades in and out of my life based on whether or not she feels worthy of my friendship, or whether I seem worthy of hers.

Brenda has a dispassionate side that is far far too practical when not balanced with her other aspects.

The dream was a long sequence of events and talks with this amalgam woman that was those three aspects of the women I have cared for. At one point, I was attempting to win her back by being passionate. Another I was attempting to convince her that she was incredibly valuable to me and why I would dare to love such a horribly depressed and beaten person. Another I was attempting to appease with practical things like explaining how I had found a job and what I would do at work…

I couldn’t please any of them. I woke up on the verge of tears at the realization that I was the least valuable of all of these people. I felt shaken and I was very upset. I felt worthless.

So I head down the steps to read some FARK.com. I have an email waiting for me from Brenda, and it is a link to her favorite columnist. This column was about how stay at home parents do so much more and are under so much pressure that people that have never done it just can’t understand how it is so exhausting. The realization hit me that Brenda is doing her best to understand how the last 9 years have really tore me up. She has been hinting at this new understanding a lot lately. I absolutely love the overly practical aspect of Brenda. But I am truly terrified of it as well. It was very good timing of her to send something that reminded me that she is more complex than that right when I needed to hear it.

And I’m waking to this aching
And it’s breaking me in two
All the space
All the waste
All the distance between me and you

I’m not sure why I try.

he’d like to come and meet us but he thinks he’d blow our minds

I’m not sure where to go from here. Maybe the people in my life will tell me what’s up with them so I can make a decision on a path to take, but as things are running I doubt it. I’m being kept at arm’s length. shrug what can I do but wait, right?

Anyway, I chose a new doctor. I’m going to try again. Seems like a decent sort, but he’s very very old. Also, I am at the age where I have more embarrassing things happening to my body, and I very much did not appreciate a 25 year old female intern checking out my man boobs. Too young to be motherly, so she made me quite uncomfortable. I didn’t want to impress upon her the fact that my blood pressure and pulse were up because I was weirded out, but while my blood pressure runs high, her being there was an additional stress that could do nothing but make it worse.

I am having a nice, leisurely week this week. The boys have been so intent on building this huge Lego project that they have managed not to keep trashing the main living areas. I am content to let them be about the playroom until they are finished. I’ve been getting away with some minor touch-up and just the cooking.

the jingle of a dog`s collar would be good right here
the jingle of a dog`s collar would be fine

This just in! I can’t keep control of my blood sugar. Also, it has been rainy and grey for weeks now. As a topper, my mouth still hurts sometimes. I hate the holidays.

The way you love me
Is the sweetest love around
But after all this time
The more I’m trying
The more I seem to let you down